English Lesson number 2: how to apply for a job

For this writing task, I could choose between 10 boring topics, from 'How to study a new language' (I am!) via 'How to settle a dispute between two friends' (can't write more about that than shut up and listen to each other) till 'How to plan for a vacation' (hate going on vacation and if I will, I won't plan it). I chose:  

How to apply for a job.

Applying for a job is a toe-curling experience. You find yourself in front of a recruiter,  repeating your cv over and over,  bleating that ‘it really sounds like fun!’,  while the recruiter is showing off how well he knows the company’s website by heart. Well, here is some aberrant advice when you need a job.

1.     

1. Tell the truth
2.  Don’t ever believe job descriptions
3.  Ask the questions yourself

1.       Tell the truth

A strange concept: truth. But you might consider it, that is if you’ve never stolen from your boss or raped the secretary. In your motivation letter: tell the truth. No one would believe a sentence like ‘this sounds like a job that really suits me’. Simply because you don’t have a clue what the job is about (see the next paragraph for that part). Your standard application letter is probably created during many try outs and now you’ve settled for the version that only needs two adjustments (the company’s name) , whatever job you apply for.

You may think you have been writing your cv. But actually, you were composing it, puzzling the years after another, trying to fix holes of illness with terms like ‘sabbatical’ and the period of unemployment with ‘backpacking around the world’.

Here’s is news. Your recruiter actually knows this. And the moment a totally different letter pops up in his pile of bla bla, he’ll ask you over. You have to realise that if the truth doesn’t win, you’ll never win, because it wasn’t you who was hired; it was the person you tried to be in your cv.

2.       

Don’t ever believe job descriptions 

Job descriptions never equal reality. Job descriptions never even tell the truth either. If you’re applying, for instance, for a job  as ‘Marketing Manager’, the job description could say: the company was founded in 1992 as a family-run business and offer a personal service to all types of organisation, large and small.  They provide health and safety, employment law and environmental solutions to businesses throughout the UK and Europe. 

Now, what do you know now? Of course: google it! And again: the company’s website is full of melodious lies. So, you will not know that a Marketing Manager in this particular case is a loner. That the job was created by the bosses sister, who had been climbing the walls of her one bedroom apartment after her husband had left her with a baby, and had arranged a little something for herself. ‘Manager’, in this case, does not mean that you get your team of ‘marketing dudes’ to bring this company to bigger sales (speaking of which, what on earth are they selling?!). It means that you’ll have to write press releases and correct the tenders from the sales department.

But how could you have known? And that brings us automatically to the next paragraph.

3.       Ask the questions yourself

Do you have any idea who you’re talking to? Is that guy a freelance recruiter or does he always recruit for this firm? Is he your predecessor on the job or is he going to be your boss? Is he the CEO and why is he talking to you? How long has he worked here and why is he still working here? What makes him tick, what disappoints him, what will make him happy? Ah.. .you didn’t find that on google, did you?

It’s really shocking how many people leave a job interview without having a clue who was talking. The only thing that helps is: ask the questions yourself. Show loads of interest in the person in front of you. And in the meantime, find out what the problems are. Because the more this persons is trying to convince you that the company you’re about to enter is like heaven, the more shit there’ll be. And finding that out when you’re already in, is too late.